zephyr12 (zephyr12) wrote,

Being your own worst enemy...

I've been trying to simplify things in my life of late and find more time for the things that I enjoy but every time I turn around I'm going and creating more angst for myself.

For example: We booked our wedding photographer and I'm supper excited about the booking because I'm thrilled with the work of said photographer. He's edgy, artistic, playful, and fricken brilliant in terms of light and photo composition. The photos will be fun, reflect us as a couple, and be gorgeous. I couldn't be happier with the photos we are potentially going to get (knock on wood that everything works according to vision).

However, I recently realized that I hold all of my enthusiasm in check and am endeavouring to correct this as I feel that I often get misinterpreted because of it. I have had a tendency of being very let down when I get over-excited about things and have since learned to hold my enthusiasm at bay in an attempt to circumvent disappointment. The thing is, people tend to think I care less than I do because of it, or in this case, that I'm anti-wedding. I feel that people may not realize that I am excited about the wedding, despite my complaints. No, I don't believe that one needs to be married to make a commitment to someone, nor do I think that 20 000 is a reasonable amount of money to be spent on one day but I am resigned to the fact that this is the wedding I am getting and despite all that might upset me in the various details (like not getting married on the beach), I am looking forward to having all of my closest friends together, dancing, drinking and having a damn good time on our day. And the idea of that far outweighs anything else for me. Being in a room full of people who love us and care about us, that really is the moment that even now makes me want to cry (in a good way).

So what does this have to do with wedding photography?

Well here it is. In an attempt to be more forthright about my good cheer, I told our photographer that I was excited about the photos and loved his work and that he'd already had me before we met unless the meeting proved negative. Nothing wrong with that, I know. But now I'm plagued by the feelings of insecurity that come with being so honest. I'm sure that my enthusiasm was quite muted in the grand scale of things but I have actually had sleepness nights full of angst over something so simple. It's stupid but opening up and sharing my wedding enthusiasm (in this and other areas) is filling me with anxiety. A simple conversation with the boy's parents left me sleepless last night. I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'll argue, denounce, and complain but sharing is proving to be my biggest challenge in all of this. Who knew?

Tags: angst, money, photography, sharing, wedding
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